Setting Boundaries
Where do you end and another begin? Well, according to self expansion theory in Personality Psychology, the closer you become to another person, especially romantically, the more of them you include in your definition of yourself. This is why it is important to pay attention to who you include in your close circles and what about them you include in your self concept.
One thing that most of us find very difficult to do is to set boundaries with people we love or feel obligated to through work or other means. We usually tend to set boundaries either too timidly or too harshly—plus the sweet spot keeps changing from person to person. Some people can easily take a hint without much being said. Some will anticipate your boundary and ask before you even open your mouth. However, some, you have to spell it out in great detail and even then they hit you with the “what do you mean?” or “damn you didn’t have to say it like that” even though you’ve said it in a million other ways and they didn’t hear you. That said, boundary setting is vital in every relationship and here are some ways you can go about it.
1) If you can anticipate that the boundary needs to be set, think about the most loving yet clear way you can communicate it.
2) Use clear, matter of fact words as much as possible. That is to say try to avoid using words like “I think” or “I feel like.” These words seem subjective and therefore can be read as open for negotiation. Also, try to avoid words like “may” or “might.” Again, they communicate uncertainty and the wrong person will not hear them as a boundary.
3) Stick to your guns. This is harder for some than others. Nevertheless, If you’ve said something reasonable and has to do with your personal space and time, yet someone keeps trying to persuade you otherwise, reiterate or repeat verbatum what you’ve said before. If you seem to be easily swayed, this will set up a dynamic where you will keep having to negotiate boundaries.
Setting boundaries with another is more difficult for the person who does not set boundaries with themself. If you bring work into your bed, answer emails at all hours of the night neglecting your sleep, don’t listen to what you actually need but keep negotiating yourself out of self-care, then it becomes way more difficult to communicate your needs to others.
