Positive Relationships

“Hell is other people” says one of the characters in Jean-Paul Sartre’s play Huis Clos. The character was referring to how being judged by other people traps us in the hell of judging ourselves. The judgement of others can deeply effect how we behave even without them voicing it. Just being around the type of people that think you are one thing or another can deeply influence how you see yourself and ultimately, how you behave. This is called the Pygmalion Effect and it is a scientifically verified phenomenon that states that the “belief about another person’s potential, [can] bring that potential to life” (Achor 84). This calls us to be intentional about the people you surround yourself with.

To the “hell is other people quote” the revered father of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman counters by positing that heaven is also other people. In one of the longest studies on happiness the number one, almost unfailing, predictor of longevity and sense of well-being is the quality of social relationships. Positive social relationships raise your levels of positive resonance better than any other means and effects you on a biological, spiritual and mental level for the best. But is can be hard to tell the difference between a positive relationship, a neutral one, and sometimes even a negative one. So what to look out for?

Have you ever heard of the Losada Line and the Critical Positivity Ratio Theory? Marcial F. Losada and Dr. Barbara Freidrickson came up in their study of business teams and romantic relationships that people who have experiences they deem to be positive on a ratio of 3:1 with those they deem to be negative, have more satisfaction, and longer, more beneficial relationships over all. However, they go even further to say that the ratio is 6:1 positive to negative signifies the most flourishing relationships. Now, note that this is not saying that there should be no negative experiences in your relationships. In fact, you need the negative experiences to ground the relationship in reality. However, we experience negative emotions more viscerally and sharply than positive ones and therefore need more positivity to offset the negative effects.

In conclusion, that there are two main factors to cultivating positive relationships:

1) intentionally surround yourself with people who think well of you and your potential, and vice versa.

2) Push to create as many positive experiences with these people without completely ignoring the negative ones.

And here is a caveat; if you find that in all your efforts you cannot seem to have more positive moments than negative ones with certain people, it is time to reevaluate those relationships to see how much you want to invest.